If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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