my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
