Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
