It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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