At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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