I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
