Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
