highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
