Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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