Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
