my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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