Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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