Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
