I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
