Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
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