How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
