if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize