I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
