You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
