Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Girls should come with a carfax report
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
