My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
