A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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