My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
