she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
