You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
