May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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