I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize