Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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