i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
