Dual....:-)
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
