chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
