worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
