I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
