I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
