drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize