last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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