I feel great
I just peed on a car
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
