I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
My day in three words: secret purse cake
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
