long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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