life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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