She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
