The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
