Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I'm getting married
To pizza
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
