i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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