Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
