WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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