I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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