I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
