in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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