guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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