end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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