sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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