Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
