Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
