Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
