I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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