You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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