Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
