I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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