I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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