I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
He kissed a someone with a penis
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
