I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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