i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
