I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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