Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
