Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
