who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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