It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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