1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
